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About the Author |
Text Analysis |
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How to Guess Your Age
Ageing brings unavoidable changes to one¡¯s physical and mental condition. Corey Ford presents in a humorous way
these changes as he experienced them. Read on and enjoy the humor.
1.
It seems to me that they are building staircases steeper than they used to. The risers are higher, or
there are more of them, or something. Maybe this is because it is so much farther today from the first
to the second floor, but I¡¯ve noticed it is getting harder to make two steps at a time any more. Nowadays
it is all I can do to make one step at a time.
2.
Another thing I¡¯ve noticed is the small print they¡¯re using lately. Newspapers are getting
farther and farther away when I hold them, and I have to squint to make them out. The other day
I had to back halfway out of a telephone booth in order to read the number on the coin box. It is
obviously ridiculous to suggest that a person my age needs glasses, but the only other way I can
find out what¡¯s going on is to have somebody read aloud to me, and that¡¯s not too satisfactory
because people speak in such low voices these days that I can¡¯t hear them very well.
3.
Everything is farther than is used to be. It¡¯s twice the distance from my house to the station now,
and they¡¯ve added a fair-sized hill that I never noticed before. The trains leave sooner too. I¡¯ve given up
running for them, because they start faster these days when I try to catch them. You can¡¯t depend on timetables any
more, and it¡¯s no use asking the conductor. I ask him a dozen times a trip if the next station is where I get off,
and he always says it isn¡¯t. How can you trust a conductor like that? Usually I gather up my bundles and put on my hat and coat and stand in the aisle a couple of stops away, just to make sure I don¡¯t go past my destination. Sometimes I make doubly sure by getting off at the station ahead.
4.
A lot of other things are different lately. Barbers no longer hold up a mirror behind me when they¡¯ve finished,
so I can see the back of my head, and my wife has been taking care of the tickets lately when we go to the theater.
They don¡¯t use the same material in clothes any more, either. I¡¯ve noticed that all my suits have a tendency to
shrink, especially in certain places such as around the waist or in the seat of the pants, and the laces they put
in shoes nowadays are harder to reach.
5.
Revolving doors revolve much faster than they used to. I have to let a couple of openings go past me before I jump in, and by the time I get up nerve enough to jump out again I¡¯m right back in the street where I started. It¡¯s the same with golf. I¡¯m giving it up because these modern golf balls they sell are so hard to pick up when I stoop over. I¡¯ve had to quit driving, too; the restrooms in filling stations are getting farther and farther apart. Usually I just stay home at night and read the papers, particularly the obituary columns. It¡¯s funny how much more interesting the obituary columns have been getting lately.
6.
Even the weather is changing. It¡¯s colder in winter and the summers are hotter than they used to be.
I¡¯d go away, if it wasn¡¯t so far. Snow is heavier when I try to shovel it, and I have to put on rubbers
whenever I go out, because rain today is wetter than the rain we used to get. Draughts are more severe too.
It must be the way they build windows now.
7.
People are changing too. For one thing, they¡¯re younger than they used to be when I was their age.
I went back recently to an alumni reunion at the college I graduated from in 1943---that is, 1933---I mean,
1923---and I was shocked to see the mere tots they¡¯re admitting as students these days. The average age of
the freshman class couldn¡¯t have been more than seven. They seem to be more polite than in my time, though;
several undergraduates called me ¡°Sir,¡± and one of them asked me if he could help me
across the street.
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