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Make Today Count
When someone has cancer, he will inevitably experience some kind of psychological crisis which results from his family's reaction to his disease as well as his own despair. Read on to see how Orville E. Kelly pulled through this crisis.
Despite the treatment, I felt well enough to drive home that afternoon. But the car was silent as the grave. Wanda and I still could not talk to one another about our common problem --- my cancer. She was sitting in the front with me and looking fixedly out the window. Britty (Kelly's baby) was taking a nap, stretched out along the back seat.
"You're alive, " I suddenly thought to myself. "You are alive. For three months, you've known you have cancer, but you're still alive. "
As I steered the car along the rough highway, I began to think of what I had been doing to myself and my family.
Without really knowing it, all of us had been celebrating a funeral--- mine --- and the funeral had not even taken place
yet. I was still alive. I was not dead. I had some time. I was forty-three years old, I had a wife who loved me, I had two
sons and two daughters.
"What have you got to lose by trying to live with this damned cancer?" a voice in my head asked me. Things couldn't
get worse than they were now. The strain under which the family was living was already taking its toll. School had started,
and Tammy had brought home failing slips in several of her classes. Mark was sullen much of the time, and Lori was quiet
and subdued. No one in my family seemed happy any longer. We had had cancer as a part of our family way of life for more
than three months, and no one in our household had mentioned the word once during all that time. What had life been for me
since my cancer had first been diagnosed?Tumors¡curses¡tears¡loneliness¡nightmares¡thoughts of suicide¡
whispers¡silence. I had been blaming God for all my problems. But now I knew it was up to me to deal with them.
I began to notice how beautiful the autumn day was. The sun was out. The leaves had just begun to turn; they shone orange, and yellow, and red. Red-winged blackbirds were perched on fence posts. Farmers were out in their fields, preparing for another season. This was life. I was part of it. And I had been depriving myself of it. I stopped the car.
"Wanda, " I blurted out. "We've got to talk about it. I have cancer. Cancer! I¡®ll probably die of it. But I'm not dead yet. We have to talk about it. "
Wanda turned, stared at me intently, and moved closer to me on the seat. "Are you sure you want to?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. We have to face it together. I know you haven't told me the way you really feel. I don't know how we can help each other if we don't talk about it. I've just been moping around the house and making everyone miserable. "
She nodded. "None of us wanted to worry you. "
"Let's go home and have a barbecue tonight, " I said to her. "We haven't had one in a long time. And we¡®ll have to tell the children. We're just wasting time, and I don't want to go on living like this any longer. "
There, I had said it. It was out in the open. Wanda's face seemed to light up, I hadn't seen her like that for more than three months. We kissed as if we really meant it for the first time since I had been told I had cancer. I started the car again, and we drove home.
That evening, I lighted the charcoal in the barbecue grill that had been standing idle for months on our back porch. Wanda bought spareribs at the supermarket, and the whole family had a meal that really tasted like a meal. I even had three beers. (I paid for that indulgence the next morning. My neck felt as if someone had put a clamp on it. I was nauseated, my legs hurt, and I felt very weak. Which was enough to persuade me never again to drink beer immediately after a treatment. )
Around nine 0'clock, Wanda took Britty upstairs to bed, and I took Tammy, Mark, and Lori out to the back porch. Our porch is small, with room only for a few chairs and a couch. But the view is open all the way down to the Mississippi River. The stars were out that night, and the full moon threw its sparkles on the surface of the water. I sat down on the couch, the three children around me.
"I think it's time you knew what's wrong with me, " I started. "This may take a while for me to explain, but you all should know. " I hesitated for a moment --- it was not going to be easy to tell them this. Then I looked at the moon, took a deep breath, and continued. "The doctors have told me that I have cancer. Cancer is a disease that destroys tissues inside your body. That's why I've been sick so much. The doctors say that in all probability unless something else happens first, I will die of cancer. "
Tammy and Lori began to cry. Mark sat motionless.
"But I'm not dead yet. Your mother and I went to Iowa City today so I could start treatments. We¡®ll have to make the best of it. I¡®ll tell you when things are good and when they're bad, but I want you three to help me live with this cancer. There will be bad days for us, but we can have good days, too. We don't have to like death, but we don't have to be terrified by it, either.
"Finally, it was out in the open. Now, everyone knew except Britty; Wanda and I both felt he was too young to understand. I hugged each child. Tammy and Lori still had tears in their eyes. Mark was still silent. But now he accepted the fact that I had cancer. I had told him. He believed me. He no longer felt his mother had lied to him that day in June at the hospital.
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